Helmets are stupid

It's not that I hate your kids per se (although while I generally like kids, I'm really not that interested in anyone's kids unless I have met them) it's more that I hate your kids for allowing you to make them wear fucking helmets.

I'm not talking about helmets for bike riding. Fine. Dandy. I'm talking about my neighbors' two kids who have to wear helmets to push their goddamn scooters back and forth across the sidewalk lining three houses. I mean Jesus? What's next? Ya gonna make your kids put on a goddamn helmet to climb the Jungle Gym?

Remember the good ol' days? I'm talking Lawn Darts people! Sure they killed people, but no one you or I knew, right? I'm talking Slip and Slide: run a tarp down the hill on your front yard, spray some water down its surface, and shove the runts down the slippery slope for hours of great fun! Remember what the playground used to be like? Some kid always busted his head open falling from the Jungle Gym. Far as I know, they just stitched the noggin back together and all was well. But I wasn't, like, personally acquainted with that kid. So who knows?

Now my Grandfather wears a ridiculous helmet when he skis. My Grandfather has skied since the 1950's, and suddenly he feels the need to slap a plastic orb on his head? What the fuck? You wanna know what the fuck? You wanna who the fuck? Sonny Bono the fuck! Sonny Bono hits a tree and dies while skiing and now everyone on the slopes wears a helmet. Why does anyone care? When every other Joe Blow hit a tree and died skiing did everyone go out and buy helmets? No. Sonny Bono's not worth it. The most significant thing Sonny Bono ever did was fuck Cher while she was still hot. I'd rather die skiing.

I can only think of one way to combat this and it just won't work. Every time I see a bicyclist or kid without a helmet I will give them a hearty thumbs up and say "Good for you! Bono couldn't sing anyway."

Damnit. I think I'm stuck with this one.