When did it all get so complicated? A couple of people have asked me what I saudade. It's not one thing but rather a montage of the memories that ache, the way a certain shadow at night can bring everything back or cruelly lead me to believe these things could return. I think everyone feels this way. For me, my head spins around the simpler times.
A teenage kiss in Transamerica; so simple see you, want you, no doubt or insecurity or reservation just kiss the way things used to be. Memories of jumping off a hotel balcony into the snow just because, just because that was the moment. How easy falling in love for the first time is, having no concept of an end, no concept of insecurity, no concept of the rules or the game. Watching Snow Falling On Cedars and seeing home, home, real rain, the forest bed and rocky beaches. Swimming wherever and whenever and however I want to. And the 4th of July. And real fire works. Reservation fire works. Illegal fireworks. Streets like war zones and burning foliage. Snowboarding in the summer. Laying in the street at night and looking at the Mountain stars. A group of friends who all live on a beach somewhere and a high school sweetheart who takes his parents' boat from his side of the Sound to my side of the Sound everyday, docks his boat at our friend's dock, and walks up the cliff to my house. Places where a roll in the hay actually happens in the hay occasionally.
Less the memories, more the simplicity, the fearlessness. Do we even want to play the game or do we all just do it because we're sure no one else wants or will tolerate deviation?
Midnight ramblings, midnight saudade.
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