Famdamnly Bitching

And now I bring you Wisdom From My Mother: Collected Stories From the First Eight Hours of My Mother's Visit.



(1) Evidently, when your mother sits in on one of your law school classes, it is perfectly appropriate for her to answer the professor's questions. Also expect her to nod and audibly "uh-huh" his rhetorical points. Expect her to act as though you are visiting a Baptist Church. Do not, however, tease her about comments from the peanut gallery. If you do, expect her to tell you "that's just the way I am."

(2) When you sit down to dinner, prepare for her ten minute book report. She will have digested every word of the latest book on tape without questioning a word and will proceed to give you a lengthy synopsis without any inquiry. This month's book? A theory on how only environmentally conscious societies flourish. So far, only Greenland, Norway, a small colony in New Guinea and an island the size of a postage stamp have made the list. I ask her if the author has noted that all of the colonies on the list also share the feature of having naturally defensible borders or difficult to cultivate environments. But it's not a conversation, it's a book report.

(3) She says she has been talking to people about my colposcopy tomorrow and did I know that my aunt had a colonoscopy when she was 25? Yes, I say, I had one of those when I was 16, remember? Not the same procedure, I think, not the same really at all. She says she and my aunt talked about the terrible history of mental illness in our family. Did I know that not only her aunt killed herself, and her great aunt was institutionalized, but her other great aunt was beaten to death by her brother? You are telling me this? I think. You are telling me this?

(4) She tells me that my father left when I was three and I am now 26 and she thinks I should accept it and get over it.

(5) When I get offended, she tells me she can't talk to me; that talking to me is like going to therapy.