The first skipper of the term

Dear Professor So-And-So,
I regret to inform you that I will skip class tonight for the following reasons:
1. My thirty-minute hunt for parking on campus earlier today resulted in a lingering headache and homicidal urges.
2. I just learned that my favorite Italian restaurant has pulled gnocchi from the menu which I consider an insult to anyone with a reasonably decent palate.
3. The decided lack of cute guys in your class has foiled my ability to form a class crush which is the only motivational system I’ve found works to get my ass to classes. That, and even if I had pickings for a class crush it would be really hard to think about anything lurid while you went on and on about old people.
4. It’s just about to really rain in Portland for the first time this almost fall. And, it would just be too dramatic and emotionally charged to walk out of class, see the rain, get in my car, hear some Tom Waits song and deal with the sudden onset of Fall. I’d much rather eat second string Italian food and watch the rain from my porch.
Yours ever truly,
The first skipper of the term.