J.U.G.

A man walks down my street approaching my neighbors asking for three dollars to go pick up his family. I fear he will approach me, he does not. I spent my last three dollars in change at the drive through coffee shop down the street. But I always feel like I'm lying when I tell the homeless I have no cash. The perennial guilt.



I miss Catholic School because they'd tell me what to feel guilty for and they'd absolve me of my sins. Making out with the boyfriend in the halls? That'll be one day of J.U.G. (that would be Justice Under God, the Catholic School equivalent of detention). J.U.G seemed so much more satisfying than detention. You're not only in trouble, you're a sinner, and god is watching.



Now I don't know why I feel guilty all the time. I just apologize profusely and honestly feel sorry but I do it so often I must just annoy every one. I really have nothing to feel sorry for, I know this rationally. The irrational part is another story.



I apologize for being so direct and the truth is I delete the really honest parts. I delete the part about how every time I watch American Beauty my eyes well up at the part where he says sometimes there's so much beauty in this world that my heart feels like it will cave in and do you feel this way too? And what's left is less than emotive. What's left is the artichoke a friend and I used to refer to me as. Spiny tough outsides, you get the rest.



I used to enjoy sin, I want that back. Now I feel ambivalent. Not truly sorry, but sort of joyless towards it. I think it may help to have lots of religious idols around. I don't know. Does anyone want to go to church? I feel a wicked streak setting in.